Can't / Can

It's easy to become overwhelmed when you are surrounded by those who have needs, esp needs that I know I can't meet. I've been having a hard time focusing on how I can best serve my community and esp my neighborhood. It's easy to jump from one crisis to the next. I know that my role is not to "fix" people or situations but I think I have been internalizing many situation and problems my neighbors have. God has given me a compassionate heart. It's hard for to me hear Jallen is living in a hotel, Delonate got suspended again, Laetavious' dad just got put in jail, Mercedes got kicked off her bus for yelling at the bus driver, and Kamerin can barely read at a first grade level and has the 4th grade CRCT in two months without feeling the need to "fix" these problems. It's not that I feel responsible, but I feel like I should, as the white person with resources, step in and save these kids or at least do something. I don't have the need to get recognition for doing something noble, but I do have the desire to see kids overcome their turbulent lives.

We started our afterschool program this week. We are holding the program in a small apartment. Tuesday, Jamie and I spent the day getting the apartment ready, making sure we planned out our daily activities and routine. Everything looked great. But when it came time for the kids to come, it was a disaster. The reason for the disaster, one of the kids I invited. His behavior was terrible. His attitude was terrible. At the end of the day it dawned on me, I can't change him. That's not my job. I wanted so badly for him to come to our afterschool center. I wanted to help him with his homework in a fun environment. I want him to catch up because is SO far behind in school. These are good things to want, to strive for. But I can't change him.

Yesterday he wasn't there. The day was completely different. At the end of the day I was happy. I wasn't frustrated. I wasn't angry. Maybe he will come back maybe he won't. I won't feel responsible if he doesn't. My heart still breaks for all these kids. I still have the need to "fix" them. But I know I can't. But there are things I do. I can invite them to my house. I can get to know their parents. I can live in their neighborhood. I can tell others about the opportunites you have living in the "wrong" neighborhood. I can pray.

Blah

Community, community, community. Sometimes I HATE this word. Community has made this year extremely frustrating. Lately I have been QUICK to get not only frustrated but downright angry. I can't really seem to figure out why I am so angry. Last night Ben and I were reading James 1.

Everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak and slow to become angry,
for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

I realized I've been doing the opposite of all these things. Lately I refuse to listen and I am quick to speak and you wouldn't believe how fast I can become enraged!!!
Not only does this not bring about a righteous life it brings about a miserable life. It is SO easy for me to get on a roll with my complaining. And complaining leads to frustration, which lead to anger.

Community is hard. Sometimes I don't think I am cut out for this lifestyle. It's much easier to live independently. Then I can do what I want when I want how I want. But really, deep down, way way deep down, I know I long for something more.

I should've fasted from complaining for Lent. (Nah, there's no way you could go 40 days w/o complaining here!)

The Miracle

Normally I am the kind of teacher that rewards my kids with candy. But being a professional volunteer makes me think twice about purchasing a bag of candy. I have really been having a hard time motivating my fifth graders, but working towards a homework pass has flipped that switch on. 20 correct problems equals 1 homework pass. And guess what, they actually want me to explain the steps of how to solve their problems. Today out of 4 problems almost everyone earned 3 stars. You have no idea how great this really was!!! It was a miracle! (Devontae even asked me to give him homework.) Granted he wants homework from me so he doesn't have to to his actual math book homework, but hey whatever works!!!! Looks like I'm gonna need to make fifth grade homework!

Restlessness

Lately I've been feeling restless. When I came back from Christmas break I was excited and ready to be here in LaGrange. Ready to get back to my service site. Ready to see all my kids. 6 weeks later that all to familiar restless feeling is creeping up again. It's not that I don't want to be in LaGrange, or be at my service site, it's that I'm ready for the next step. I try to make a conscience effort to live in the present, but lately I have found myself wishing for the future. I'll be 30 next month. Normally around your 30th birthday you tend to wish for time to stand still.

It's so hard to live in the present sometimes. I know I am always looking ahead to what's next. Mission Year has been an unexpected time in my life. I'm glad I took a year off of "normal" life to be here, to see life through a different lens. In some ways my old life doesn't seem so normal anymore. But instead in being on my schedule I'm on someone elses, Mission Years, Anton's, our house's; not mine.

Everyday I'm at school it makes me wish I had my own classroom. I can't wait for next year because I want to be a teacher. It's what I really love. Giving up my classroom and leaving all my materials behind has been the toughest thing about this year. But even if I do have my own classroom next year depending on where I live, I will have to start all over, new school, new grade, new everything.

We are starting an after school center next week in our neighborhood. I love the kids in our neighborhood, I love hanging out with them. I think an afterschool center is going to be a great resource for the children in our neighborhood I'm excited I really am, but I'd rather be setting up a real classroom with all of my classroom materials. I worked hard buying and collecting books, toys... and now they are all packed away. It's hard not having the luxury of buying the things I want. It frustrating not being in charge or having control when you are used to being the one in charge.

I suppose I'm just kind of sad. I miss my old life. I miss my old friends. I miss my old job.

Balance

Balance. One of the most important lessons I am discovering this year is the importance of living a balanced life. I easily get stressed out when things are out of balance. You can have an unbalanced lifestyle that is selfish, but you can also have an unbalanced lifestyle that seems to be unselfish, meaning you can get so focused on a cause or on doing something that seems to be good, that you forget everything or everyone else.

Living in community has made me much more aware of my many flaws, but I've also discovered how to have a lifestyle of service and hospitality. Lately we have had lots of company at our house. I love the opportunities that we have to be hospitable to others. But if I give and give and give of myself I will eventually be empty. God didn't create us to solely give of ourselves, nor were we created to solely take from others. We need both. We need balance. God knew we wouldn't figure this out on our own, so he gave us the Sabbath.

It's tricky discovering how do you really keep the Sabbath. Should I shut myself away from everyone, or spend the day in prayer, or simply relax? I am trying to use my Sabbath for things other than my to do list. I try to not grocery shop or wash clothes on my Sabbath because these are things I have to do. But is it okay to hang with with neighbor kids or friends? Of course, but I also have to to remember I need to spend time with Ben. I might even need to spend time alone. If all of my time is spent with neighbors instead of my husband I'm not balanced. If all my time is spent doing lessons plans I didn't take care of during the week, I'm not balanced. Having a Sabbath should refresh you, give you the energy you need to face the next week.


I think in order to really keep the Sabbath you have to live into a schedule and carefully plan out your week and your time. This is not to say you shouldn't be flexible, but it's good to see where and how your time is being spent. I'm not great at this, but I'm learning.

Snowball fight

I've seen lots of snow pics from Tyler from last week. I'm sure everyone had a great time, but I'll bet no one had as much fun as we did during the snow storm. It snowed here in LaGrange too, probably for about 6 hours Friday afternoon. Jamie and I were planning a Valentine Party for Saturday and needed to pass the party flyers out Friday. Friday was a school holiday/furlough day for the kids which was great cause it was also a SNOW DAY!!!! A group of boys came over to hang out so Jamie and I took them with us to pass out flyers. This was a brilliant plan because they took us to EVERY house that had kids!!!!

After we finished passing out the flyers Gabi and TJ ended back up at our house. We had some hot chocolate and cookies (the boys even helped my stamp and label some of our newsletters)
and then decided it was time to go play in the snow. First we found an old box made a sled. This was fun for a little bit, until the boys decided to make a snowman. That was fun for all of 2 minutes because what do you know Kamerin, Marvin, and Taye showed up at the house. With a group this big, there's only one thing to do. SNOWBALL FIGHT!!!!

And that's what we did. I did manage to have them help me make a snowman, (which was promptly knocked over as soon as a picture was snapped.) It was so much fun. The Mohammads came out, neighbors from down the street, and Gabi's whole family plus cousins walked over and joined in the fun. This was the most racially diverse snowball fight I've ever been a part of. (Actually I've never been in a snowball fight!) I think this Hispanic, African American, Iraqi, and White, snowball fight is a portrait of the Kingdom of God, full of life, fun, and diversity.

Thank you God for a wonderful snow day! Here are a few pics of a Mission Year Snow/Day.

Notice I have no gloves, the ones I had were def. not waterproof!!!


Snowman

Snowlady

Check out the sweet snow fort!

Action Shot!
I think Gabi just got smacked in his head!


Arturo pelting Mavi!

We came inside and had an impromptu dinner for about 20+ people.

Played some games,

And even found time to steal a kiss (or not!!!!)

Norma and Arturo are a much cuter couple!

Good News/ Bad News

Good news:
Mavi is back from Iraq and should be in LaGrange today! So excited!
Gabi gave me a Valentine yesterday.
Our Valentine's party is Saturday and Jamie's awesome Grandma sent us about a billion cookies!
Monday is a holiday for me. (If I was a paid teacher this might not fall under good news however)
Our afterschool center is opening next week! I am pretty excited!
I have a feeling Gabi and I may do some serious Valentine cookie baking tonight and use my new cookie cutters.
I am enjoying our new Mission Year Book, Practicing Your Faith.

Bad News:
Ben has the flu.
Norma's (Gabi's mom) is having more frequent and serious health problems lately.

Superbowl Sunday

On Superbowl Sunday I did not
Watch football
Go to a superbowl party
Eat massive amounts of hotwings
Eat chips and dip
Grill hamburgers
Drink beer

I did however
Go to the Hispanic Soccer Championship in LaGrange
Watch yet another ping pong tournament in our kitchen
Grocery shop with Shilan
Make cookies with Shilan and America (and Amin)
Take really funny photo booth pictures with Shilan and America
Eat 2 hot wings (Thank God!!!)

While I made cookies Ben tried watching the Superbowl with Mohammad at his house. He was kinda interested but changed the channel, found The Biggest Loser, and was apparently more interested in watching that instead of the Superbowl. He did at least eat many more hot wings than I did!

Needless to say Superbowl Sunday was a bit out of the ordinary this year!

Ping Pong and Cookies

What do 4 boys + 3 sticks of butter + 1 bag of chocolate chips + 1 makeshift ping Pong table equal? Neighborhood bonding with the kids of Hillside of course! So it may seem odd to make cookies with a bunch of boys but let me explain how this came to be!

Gabi and I work on homework after school. He's the kind of kid that when you ask "How was school?" his answer is almost always "Bad." But lately he has been writing how to papers and eating and making the things he writes about. Finally he is having at least one good thing to tell me about!!!! I thought we would do our own how to by following a recipe and documenting the steps with pictures. We were just about to start when 3 other boys came over to hang out with who ever was at home. We have made our kitchen table into a ping pong table and let me tell you, ping pong is way to get kids to want to come over! Well, that and food!

I told the boys they were just in time to make cookies, and what do you know they actually wanted to make them with us. Baking with one kid is fun, baking with 4 boys well, it's really fun!!!!! They measured out everything themselves and the cookies actually were pretty good! While the cookies were baking Ben came home and took the boys outside to play soccer. I figured after the cookies were done they would eat one and then go home. Not so!

They decided they wanted to stay for dinner so Zach took them home to ask their parents. Wednesday night is sometimes experiemental food night because we normally don't have guests. Margareta was making a African groundnut peanut sauce with rice and fresh kale. These foods don't exactly scream kid friendly. But what do you know, they loved it. Marvin was a big apprehensive to put the brown sauce on his rice but after I convinced him to just try it, he loved it and came back for seconds! I couldn't believe it. These kids had wonderful table manners!

Last night was really fun. Our doorbell just kept on ringing. In addition to the kids, our friend Adam, and Shilan, Amin, and Mohammad from next door came over. It was such a fun night, but I'll admit but at 9:00 when the ping pong tourney started, I went to my room. I was officially ping-ponged out!

I tried to take pictures of each step, but it was really hard and some don't look so great. I should have put my camera on the green box!!!!