Community: No Thanks

Not only is living in community hard I think it's takes all the fun out of life. WHAT???? When you are just friends with others you get to choose how much time you spend together. Not so in community, or at least in our house. We are constantly around each other. It's impossible to stay sane living under these conditions. I get so MAD at myself for getting mad and moody for no apparent reason. I am having the hardest time not getting annoyed and not complaining.
I love my roommates, I think they are great people with big wonderful ideas and even bigger hearts. But we are forced to spend way to much time together. I try to be very open and honest with my feelings. I am not okay with pretending that I'm okay with everything when I am not. But that just make me look like a chronic complainer.

There is no room for individuals in community. Everything has to be done with the community in mind. But every community will be made of followers and leaders. Those who are leaders will naturally lead the group in doing or not doing certain things. But is it really because it's what the group wants. Or is it what the leader wants. There are those who will always have their voice and opinion heard loud over everyone else. Community is great for those who know they will get their way ultimately. I am not so sure I am buying into this whole community thing anymore.

There is no room for individuals in community. Everything has to be done with the community in mind. But every community will be made of followers and leaders. Those who are leaders will naturally lead the group in doing or not doing certain things. But is it really because it's what the group wants. Or is it what the leader wants. There are those who will always have their voice and opinion heard loud over everyone else. Community is great for those who know they will get their way ultimately.

We all have a need to be individuals. God made each person unique, gave each person their own gifts, and their own hearts. I feel like in community you have to put your own uniqueness aside for the sake of community. Community was on of the things that first drew me to Mission Year. Now its my turning into my least favorite thing about this year. I don't think this is way community is supposed to make you feel.

I feel like much of our community is forced. We have to do things together. I can find value in most of the things we do, but basically I don't have a choice. Most of the things I do this year is because I have to. I have to pray at 6am, go to Alterna meals 3 times a week and put on a smile, work in the garden on plant days, work at the after school program, and travel around Georgia visiting other intentional communities. These things I don't mind so much, most of the time I like doing them. But what I am SICK of is constantly talking about social justice and community and most of all REFLECTIONS. I am sick of reflecting on every thing I do. I am sick of having to make everything I do into a cause. I feel like we have ulterior motives behind everything. Can't I just do something because it's fun. I feel like our neighbors have turned into a project. I feel like the after school center was created just to make our group look like we are concerned with the poor. I don't like to do things for show.

We had to read about a community in California that has to consult with their community before they are allowed to have a baby. This is crazy. I'm all for seeking advice from those you trust, from looking at things from different perspectives, but ultimately I have to make the decision that is best for me and my family. I feel like just saying the word me is making me anti community. But I'm not.

I believe in what we are doing, but not in how we are doing it.