Focus

I've been having a hard time focusing. I'm realizing I desperately need structure. By nature I am not focused. I get easily distracted. I can't clean our room to save my life, it's impossible for me to keep my things organized. I want to, but it's REALLY hard for me. I feel like my life is scattered right now. I'm having a hard time focusing on my purpose here with Mission Year. Looking back at my life my track record is to try something for a little while and then quit and move on to something else. That's what I did in college, that what I did after college, and I feel like that is what I am doing here. What I really want is to do one thing really well as opposed to dabbling in lots of things.

I loved teaching because it offered me the structure my life needed. In that structure I had freedom to make my own lessons, but I knew what the end goal needed to be. This year I'm not sure what my end goal is supposed to be. Plus I'm confused as to what I should do next. Should I move, should I stay, should I teach, should I go to grad school, or what I really want, have a baby. The list just keeps going.

Teaching at my service site is a bit challenging because I don't exactly know what my end goal should be. Several of the kids I work with are really far behind and I am trying to help them play catch up. It's challenging because where they should be at the end of the year, in reality won't happen. It's hard for me to focus on what is the most important thing they can get from their time spent with me.

This past weekend Jamie and one of our neighbors taught me how to knit with a loom. This weekend I finished making a scarf. I have wanted to learn to knit for years and I can't tell you how cool it was to hold I scarf that I made!!!! I'm such a wanna be crafty person. It felt so good to have a finished product. I can look back and see what I have done. I want the rest of my time here to be like that. I want to look back and feel accomplished, like I've done something of value. I know the relationships and quality time I've spent with neighbors is of value, but I want my year to be more than hanging out with people. It's been more than that but I really want my last four months in Mission Year to really be a valuable, not only to me, but to someone else too.